Why do you think you are useless when people don't like you?

there is a line in the movie Twelve Nights that says, "Why do you feel useless when people don't like you?"

after I suddenly remembered it two days ago, I solicited a topic backstage:

what do you once regard as your weakness? because of what you feel inferior, you will deliberately skip it, or even cover it up. When others mention it, you will jump with anger.

Last night I looked at the responses backstage one by one and summarized them into the following points-

one, appearance

A friend told me her experience that she would get fat even drinking cold water when she was fattest, because being fat made her feel inferior. She was called a "dead fat woman" and pushed and shoved in the crowd. She seemed to have no self-esteem at all, because she had never been seen as a person.

because of her physical defects, she deliberately tries to please others from interpersonal aspects. For example, when she was very young, she tried to steal money from home to invite those classmates to eat, drink and have fun. Over time, these people could not live without her.

but then she found out that she was wrong. even if they were allowed to follow them, they would only keep taking money in one hand, weighing them with sisters, bullying in the other and watching jokes.

at a class meeting, Girl A proposed to play a game and weigh herself in front of the whole class. They weighed herself first and left her for the final "finale". In the eyes of the people watching the show, they clumsily took a step forward, and with each step forward, they felt that their body had sunk ten centimeters, ridiculed, booed, and waited for you to step on the electronic scale, just like the masses in ancient times watching pig cages, nothing to do with themselves, and everything new to see.

and the boy I like is in the crowd, silent.

"I remember that I escaped to the toilet in tears, forgot the number and the laughter, or, instead of forgetting, I felt I had to forget."

is not only fat, there are people around us who feel that they are not good-looking, or that some defects in their facial features have been ridiculed and suffer from "lens phobia." they dare not take selfies, as long as others raise the camera. Will subconsciously retreat.

some people have been called dwarfs because they are short, some people are afraid to wear shorts because of scars on their feet, some people cover their ears because they attract wind, and others share their inferiority complex about "flat chest"--

"small breasts. I haven't had bras yet. During the physical examination, everyone can confidently take off their underwear, leaving only underwear. But I didn't put on my underwear. Although the doctor kindly asked me to put on my clothes, everyone pointed at me. "

2, ability

in the past, every class had a "learn God". It seemed that there was no need to study, eat, drink and play every day. As long as you review the exam a little, you can easily kill anyone in seconds. At the top of the list.

if there is learning from God, there will be "learning incompetence" living in the shadow of learning from God. No matter how much time they spend on books every day, they forget to eat and sleep, and their grades not only fail to improve, but also slip.

A friend of mine, 7-up, she is just incompetent to learn, but she is much more miserable. Her entire dormitory is full of high achiever and God, who is her best friend. Every time high achiever has a problem and doesn't understand, she will surround her and squeeze her out.

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High school is an achievement, and when it comes to college, it becomes social and academic. She can never get a word in, and even if she tries to participate, she will be directly ignored or ignored.

she will try to eavesdrop on their topics, to check, to learn, to understand, to read the books they read, but that stereotype seems to never be shaken. Like a problem, they can solve it in a minute, and she may not be able to solve the first step on the desk all day, even if the same kind of problem has been done countless times.

"stupid" has become synonymous with her. in order to cover up this "stupidity", she can only pretend to be stupid and sweet and tell all kinds of low-level jokes to cheer people up. "it's my only use," she thinks.

3, interpersonal relationships

readers write that they have been afraid of the crowd since junior high school, trembling on the podium, nervous and trembling when they go to the canteen or raise the flag at the sight of the crowd. Even sitting in the middle of the college entrance examination room will be too nervous to write well, so I have seen a psychiatrist and committed suicide by taking sleeping pills.

when I was a child, I didn't want to get in touch with people, and I didn't know how to deal with people, so I didn't have any friends, only a few people who were willing to approach you actively. On the contrary, my brothers and sisters are very friendly. They never seem to be short of friends. They are picked up everywhere they go, and there are a lot of friends who come out to eat on the phone.

I am afraid of holidays, because every holiday, they will have friends come to see me every day, and I may go out once or twice a summer vacation, because there are few, so I have to pick a day to meet my friends. Later, my parents would ask me, "Why is no one coming to see you? do you have no friends?" I know they are not serious, just teasing tone, but I can not help but angry, care.

there was a family gathering, and they joked about it in front of other relatives and friends.

I turned into the room and slammed the door, angry and retorted, as if I had been pinched in the deadliest hole.

at that time, I didn't realize that the angrier I was, the more I wanted to cover it up and deny it, it showed that it had become the most sensitive part of me, even if you didn't think there was a problem with it before, but it was said and compared with others, it became a problem.

A female reader said that in order to cover up her interpersonal deficiencies, every time she went out with friends, even if she did not know her very well, she had to pretend to be very familiar and intimate to take photos and post moments, because in this way she could pretend to have a lot of friends.

later, I will ask my friends out. In fact, I didn't mean to. I just wanted to.Make yourself look like you have a lot of friends.

I will be able to post some moments to cater to others and win a lot of likes because I want to look popular.

four, Family

there is a male reader from a poor family who lives in a dilapidated old house. when the girl he likes comes to his house, his instinctive reaction is to stop her from entering, because he is afraid of letting her see his ugly living environment.

and feel inferior because of poverty, turning away the person I like again and again. Finally, she gave up and found a better person.

Family circumstances will become the reason for many boys' inferiority complex. I remember when we discussed the topic, thorns mentioned whether or not boys should fall in love if they don't have money. I said, is it because there is no money, meet the person you like, will you push her away?

the night I finished, I received a letter from this male reader.

they said with a wry smile, "without money, you have no money to buy clothes, and your taste is poor. No one wants to get close to you."

the way they deal with this inferiority complex is usually to try to get rich, or to pretend that they don't want to fall in love for the time being.

I once worked on a controversial project as a team, and then I was attacked and abused. During that time, I would constantly look at those words attacking myself every day. The more painful I was, the more I couldn't help looking at them. I finally forced myself to a nervous breakdown.

one day I couldn't help asking my indifferent companion, "what do you think?" she asked me, "do they have a point?"

I thought, "of course not".

"if you don't, you're an idiot. Why should I pay attention to those idiots? "

the more a person wants to cover up, he or she often cares about it the most, is most sensitive, regards it as his own defect, and is the most untouchable.

I also received such a message about "inferiority"-

"ugly, I am now a model. However, there are richer people, more beautiful people, and new troubles such as circle comparisons and criticism of your major plastic surgery. As long as there is the pursuit of interests. There will be no real promised land. "

when we have this sense of inferiority, do we really have to cover it up or make up for it? Can you uproot this sense of inferiority by making yourself rich to cover up the inferiority complex of poverty and being beautiful to cover up the inferiority complex that you feel ugly?

as the above reader said, if one day someone richer than you shows up, someone prettier than you appears, and a better and more perfect person appears, that sense of shame and anger will still come out.

I take a shield to cover it, and once it shows a little tail, I will try to cover it with another shield.

as a result, I protected it so well that if someone mentioned it again and lifted the layers of shields, I would be in pain and even angry.

when someone tells me that he can only change himself desperately, improve himself, and become a person whom others think highly of, I really want to tell him that this is wrong. Yes, it is wrong to improve yourself to avoid inferiority. It can only cure the symptoms, not the root of the problem.

all you can do is not to resist it, accept it until you no longer think of it.

for example, when someone laughs at you for being fat, you can generously admit, "Yes, I'm fat, why?" Instead of using money to curry favor with them;

when someone jokes about your poor interpersonal relationship, you can ask him, "Yes, my interpersonal poor, why?" Instead of creating the illusion of apparent intimacy;

when someone thinks you're stupid, you can say, "I'm not smart, why?" Absolutely not pretending to be stupid and sweet in order to cater to them.

when others point a camera at you, it is better to hide than to grin and accept who you really are. What else are you afraid of being mentioned?

there is a saying in Game of Thrones that the more you hide something, the easier it is to be attacked. The more you feel inferior about something, the more likely it is to become your Achilles heel.

accepting inferiority doesn't prevent you from getting better. Is to accept this imperfect existence, find a better way to ban it, but first of all, it is a part of you, you have to admit.

whenever I have the courage to accept the worst, every good thing that happens is a bonus to my life.

sometimes you don't really feel inferior, but you want to. Don't think you are useless just because other people don't like you. I like you, real and brave.

"you are not afraid of inferiority in order to overcome it."