I will continue to write until I die.

one.

there is a poem in Taiwan that I like very much. It goes like this: "sometimes you are concerned about asking, sometimes you are concerned about not asking."

as I get older, I don't seem to know how to communicate with my parents. In the past, we always wanted them to ask us, "do we still have enough money?" but now we are most afraid of such questions coming out of their mouths. Because generally speaking, they ask because they feel your embarrassment, your support, your pain.

sometimes when I get home, my mother asks me a few more questions and I don't get bored.

not only did not answer her questions, but also answered her in a loud voice: "I said you don't understand, what's the use of knowing?"

when she went downstairs, she forgot to close the wooden door. The wind blew and banged, and the door closed.

at that moment, I realized that I had done something wrong. I shouldn't have said that. How could a mother not worry about her son? But to be honest, I still hope her concern is "don't ask".

because in that case, the pressure can continue to be hidden in her heart without being noticed by her.

two.

usually when I introduce myself for the first time, the other person asks me a question: "what major are you?"

as long as I tell them the words "Chinese language and literature", they will look at me with a look of "so it is". Then he said, "it turns out that I have a professional background. No wonder I can write so well."

every time I want to tell them that writing doesn't have much to do with my major. Because at the beginning of the first semester of my sophomore year, I decided not to order another textbook. I could borrow it if I could, but I didn't want it if I couldn't borrow it. Anyway, I know in my heart that what I want to learn cannot be learned from textbooks.

University has taught me tolerance; it has taught me to try; it has also taught me a lesson: you have to strive for what I want.

but I have never explained my idea as in the above two paragraphs, because the stereotype itself is not meant to be broken, it is the comfort zone that people circle for themselves.

so I just nod my head every time, then smile and say, "Yes, thanks to my major."

others will never see what we put into writing, because compared to the "rush of ideas", most of our state is "exhaustion of inspiration". Writing is no different from other jobs, it takes time to brew, and it also requires us to mobilize all our knowledge to build characters and stories in the small world.

I often see others in my moments saying that my job is so boring that I can't see the future. In fact, the same is true of writing. on countless nights when we can't write, we all doubt whether we are suitable for writing. If you don't believe me, you can ask Haruki Murakami and Caitou.

because even M á rquez, who wrote "A hundred years of Solitude", was still in a difficult state when he wrote the book. Jiang Fangzhou wrote in "what do I see when I need chicken blood?"

he called the room where he wrote "the cave of the mafia." About three square meters, connected to a small bathroom, a door and window to the outer courtyard, the room has a sofa, electric heater, several cabinets, a small and simple table.

he takes two children to school early every morning. He sits at his desk before 08:30 and writes until 02:30 in the afternoon. The afternoon is spent looking up materials for the writing of his novels.

he only sees his child briefly while eating, and he is basically in a daze about the state of the child, and the child is most impressed by his back bowing his head in a room full of smoke.

this is true of genius, not to mention the state of my writing. So the reason why I am better at writing than most people is not because I majored in Chinese language and literature, but because I spent a little longer time than you, and I worked a little more hard than you.

this is obviously the reason why most people can figure it out as soon as they use their heads, but of all the people I have met, only a small number of people are willing to admit it, and most people still blame it on my major, my past, my family and, more importantly, my zodiac sign, saying, "Virgo is good for writing."

I know why they do this, because admitting that a person is better than himself just because of hard work is no different from admitting that he is weak in willpower. Although people do not admit it, they hope from the bottom of their heart that the success of others is due to differences in talent and environment.

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but only when we understand this can we find out where the so-called "comfort zone" is and break it.

but most people really can't do this. They just keep complaining and then drift with the tide.

three.

Today, I am officially 23 years old. If I want to give some meaning to this number, then it will be my last stage as a student. As long as this number beats again, I will have to be banished to society by the school.

are you afraid?

of course I am afraid that I will not be able to beat others, that I will be helpless, that I will drift alone, and that I will not have the money to pay for the medicine. Afraid of the care of his family, afraid of the expectations of his girlfriend, afraid of the contempt of others.

I am even more afraid of myself a year later. I am so tired that I fall asleep when I return to my room. I no longer read history books, no longer brush profound and dreary movies, cry about the pain of work in moments, and have to tie up my own hair in the middle of the night. I have to give myself chicken blood.

but what I fear most is that I no longer write.

because there are no words, I can no longer call myself a thorn. It is a tool I use to talk to the world and a magnifying glass to examine myself. I'm afraid I won't tell good stories in words anymore.I'm afraid I can't express the worry in the eyes of others for you.

so at the age of 23, I will continue to write a thousand words a day and read a hundred interesting books. I will tell 24 stories from A to Z. I will work harder, write interesting plays, use more vivid words to explain the world in my eyes, and let words help me go to the distance I want to reach.

I believe I will continue to write until I die.

good night.

"I regard it as a lifelong pursuit"